Dark mornings and dark moments.

I think I like Autumn. A soft tumble into winter, not too harsh but enough to involve scarves and bonfires and fruit crumbles. I think I like it because in my head it works when it’s bright and the sun is sliced through with cool mornings and breath-filled evenings.

But in reality I battle with a heavy feeling of loss. It’s like the dark mornings and short days smother me. Getting ready in the mornings feels so hard, the thought of going out after 6pm is never a happy thing. I know it’s really common, that people react to the seasons but for me it’s really quite emotional.

I have to give myself a talking to to make sure Arthur and I get out and about when I’m not at work. I have to curb the urge to pop him in front of a film and just stay inside our cocoon. I feel bereft, not all the time, but I can feel it creeping up as August slips into September. SAD is a recognised disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder affects thousands of people each year from mild to extreme symptoms. I’m not sure it’s what I have but I’ve just been thinking about how reality is played out so differently to the life I live in my head.

I think I look different too, it’s subtle but I can see my skin taking a turn for the worse, I get dermatitis, my hair loses lustre and my body feels as though it’s going into hibernation mode – not figuratively, literally.

The walks through winter leaves followed by hot chocolate do happen. But they happen with a sense of sadness. I do go out in the evenings but only because if I didn’t things wouldn’t get done – not because I want to. It’s not all the time and for me, it eases off as we hit November – bit like my body has finally got used to the lack of light. But I feel it approach, I can sense the shadow being cast as the count down to the clocks changing begins.

I’m not depressed, I’m pretty happy really. But for two months or so I struggle to remember that and it’s very real. I know it will pass and reflecting on it feels like self-indulgent drivel but hey, I guess that’s what dark nights and laptops are for. I embrace Halloween, bonfire night and days spent kicking leaves. I love winter clothes and digging my boots out of the cupboard. I hate feeling like this – roll on November.

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