I am sitting at work. It’s 3.57pm and each second feels like it’s driving up hill in a very slow car.
My curser is blinking back with a rather smug dance – I’m trying to time the flashes with the seconds ticking on the large, white corporate clock on the wall. I can’t, so I’ve begun a list of holiday essentials using one of the post-its on which I wrote something terribly important.
It was terribly important yesterday and today it’s a shorts, suncream and pull-up pants list. I guess important is in the eye of the beholder.
Oh god I’m bored – so bored of the relentless act of being ‘corporate’. All around me colleagues are talking very earnestly about ‘getting comms out’, ‘collaborating’ and ‘objectives’. Words and phrases that often leave me close to spontaneous vomiting.
It’s my own bloody fault.
To be fair these people are doing a great job and they enjoy it. More fool me that I haven’t currently got the courage of my own convictions. I could stay for years listening to the ticking clock, punctuating my angst with moments of corporate clarity. Or I could get off my comfortably large arse, change jobs, start writing more and make some kick-ass life-changing decisions.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the ease of it all. The pensions, the mat leave, the pay and benefits. It’s so very hard to admit you’re shit scared of jumping ship and taking a leap of faith. It’s even harder when your mortgage depends on it. I was even contemplating becoming a team first aider because it meant a day out of the office! Now, apart from the fact I hate anything gory and could not, under any circumstances, clear up sick, it’s just a ridiculous idea.
A fluorescent jacket and access to the plaster drawer is not going to quell my discontent – though to be fair it may be handy. No, I need to dig deep, decide what it is I actually want to do. Then either, make a baby, get a new job or shut up and put up – no one likes a moaner.
I’ve started on the ginger nuts now, left over from our last ‘away day’. I’m not sure I’ll make that decision today for so many reasons. But I know I will.